i feel like i'm in finals mode and it's only the third week of school.
never have i ever felt this much stress, emotional dissatisfaction, physical fatigue, and uncertainty about my life choices, skill set and personal relationships, simultaneously. it's so fucking overwhelming.
i was talking to my dad on the phone. he asked me why i sounded so irritated. i told him i was stressed out. he basically told me to suck it up because that's just how it is the last semester of college. typical. my dad was never one to comfort me in times of stress (in terms of my academic career) and he always pushed me to push through all the obstacles. it's probably why i'm so driven to work hard so a part of me is glad that my dad responded in the way he did.
but
it was a bit different this time around. towards the end of our conversation, my dad had mentioned how my brother's ex-girlfriend (also a graphic designer) went through the same load of projects her last semester. half way through the sentence, I bit my lip and almost began to cry. I stayed silent for a good stretch of seconds that my dad thought I had hung up. I tried my hardest for my voice to not crack. When I got off the phone.. I didn't start sobbing. I just teared up quietly for a few minutes to myself. I don't know why the mention of my brother's ex-girlfriend going through the same thing triggered something in me. Maybe it's the fact that the level of stress I am at right now is comparable to the average, last-semester-senior, and I'm getting too emotionally invested in the way I'm handling my stress. The fact that I know this, made me even more emotional.
i'm just not happy right now. legitimately i can say, I don't feel happy. this was not the start i was hoping to experience for the new year.
one of my professors, also a grad student, along with his wife, also a professor and grad student, came to talk to the senior gdes class about starting our own design business. he had alot of quotables that hit home.
"the harder you work, the luckier you get" i learned this after last semester. despite the stress caused by all the new freelance work i've gotten on top of school, i appreciate so much that i even have the opportunity to have these kind of freelance offers. i worked my ass off last semester knowing that it would grow my social network that would lead me to these offers.. lo and behold, my plan worked.
"ride through the panic" .. i'm trying.
"eliminate toxic relationships" ... hm. My professor meant client relationships that aren't compatible to one's work flow but immediately my brain began to sift through all the current personal relationships that i've been struggling to figure out whether or not are worth my time.
but the one thing that really got to me?:
"it'll all work out." when my professor said this in the most sincere and all-knowing tone, a sense of calm washed over me. i gave a heavy sigh, and stared down into my lap, and the clusterfuck of troubles, academic, personal, emotional, etc, just started running through my head.
there are days where words of encouragement are thrown in my direction and i'm at a semi-high from getting out of this dark hole i'm in right now but then the next day, something else counteracts that positivity. a literal emotional rollercoaster. my state of mind is so fucked up right now.
when i look in the mirror, my face looks tired. eye bags, that i still can't fathom are there, are dragging below my eyes. i look worn out. i feel worn out. i shuffle when i walk. struggle to keep up with people when i'm walking with them. there's no "pep" in my step like there used to be.
i'm questioning my relationships, my ability as a designer, the extent of my self-control, mental strength, morals and standards and the confidence i had in myself as a person people wanted around. These were all things I was so sure of a month ago, but now is just a puzzle i'm trying to put back together again and again and again.
i feel like i'm receding into the background when i just fought my way to the foreground.
and inside, i'm just dying to have someone i can go to who can hold me and tell me everything will be alright.
"I feel retarded without anyone to hold me/and maybe that’s sentimental/but what’s wrong with sentimental?"
cliche as fuck, but that's all i really want, especially now.
